Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
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He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??