Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
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Isn’t
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?