Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.