Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
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My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
you stereotypes are all alike
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”