I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.