Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better