Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.