Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
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By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
WWE is French for “yes”
brian had himself a morning…
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what