Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Breaking news:
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Suuuuure
