Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

this makes me so uncomfortable

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

Something Saturday.

how high up are we talkin’?

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.