Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

guys I’m going home

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

“Worm Regards”

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.