Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
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Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Pringles
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket