Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
New tinder profile pic
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
