Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
You Might Also Like
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption