Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.