Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAIN’S HERE

I love this❤️😁👍

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Good morning

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.