Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

Family Celebrity

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

How to resolve a complaint from neighbours

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

My life in a nutshell