Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.