Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Clients after you give them your rates

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up