@Carbosly

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

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Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*

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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

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Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

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Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

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Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

@howe007

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

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Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably

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I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@WigCannon

how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
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@_troyjohnson

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Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
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Jay Z

@copymama

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.