Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.


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Babe, does this mole look suspicious to you?

*Points at mole wearing sunglasses and a raincoat*


If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.


Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:


Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box


Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.


Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably


I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…


how to hot dogs:

1) “read” hot dogs instructions
2) place 5 to 60 hot dogs in warm microwave or sink
3) add 1 piece of ketchup
4( drink


Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z


My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.