Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
