Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable

Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?