Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Stop being racist to kettles.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium