Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Peace was never an option

Proctologist = Analyst

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”