Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
plant them where lol
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.