Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
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Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*