Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

😂

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

long lost

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”