Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

😆

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.