Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Y’all ready for this

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in