Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father鈥檚 name
wow he looks just like him
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn鈥檛 my finger.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 馃槒
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
? 馃拃
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone鈥檚 about to explain bitcoin
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing