Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

a New Yorker reject, for you

Cannot stop laughing at this

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy