Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Taliband
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
can’t believe I got front row seats
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware