Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.