Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?