Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.