Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
#SuperBowl
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
