Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Every work call, he judges.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it