Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Wikigenius
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.