Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.

“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue