Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I have a black belt in leather
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Fries, not lies.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?