Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
This did not end as expected.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.