Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when i see my girls butt

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.