Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
learning about math 🧐 📝
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I try
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”