If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
A wise man once said nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.