me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I think about this a lot
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.