Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

Somedays I just love AI so much

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Quadruple digit IQ

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?