Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
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5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Spotted in the wild
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
