Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.