Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin. * use accordingly

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

I think about this a lot

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”

me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”

W-“no”

Me- “who’s the expert now?”

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.