Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
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the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…