Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt