Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

buying dead houseplants to save time

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

Happy Thanksgiving

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

this article brought to you by lions

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice