Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Pizza is an emotion right?

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.