Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

The dogs are drawn by their screams.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

uncle dave has been through hell

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.