dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
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Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains