Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees