Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.