Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

the dark web is just a goth google.

That’s amazing.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being