Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I was up late last night night, rubbing mayonnaise into my beard, and now I can’t get out of bed as I’m suffering from egg sauce chin.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.