Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.