Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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