Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
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This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.