Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
that’s really how it is
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know