Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason