@SouthTXproblems

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

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@bobby

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

@JCWisdomNuggets

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

@notacroc

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

@leakypod

teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said

@TheHyyyype

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

@Nahdude83

*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*

@baronvonbike

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.