Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.


Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.


friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason