Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
The 6 types of sex
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.