Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
mumsnet is amazing
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.