Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills

Well, this certainly took a turn

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

Ion see the issue

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.