Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Hey I worked for it too!

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque

Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education

Me: I’m a teacher

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”