Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Me: Where do you want to eat?

Her: Wherever you pick is fine.

Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

That’s enough internet for the day

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!