Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”