Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake