Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
bat life
This is hilarious
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Me trying to walk in a dream
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner